Physics is Phun

Even though ERTW, they still rely on physicists to give them ideas. It's funny how the world works. Physicists come up with great ideas and then pass them over to the engineers so the engineers can get rich. I did EE and physics so I get the best of both worlds...Ha Ha!! But I digress....without further ado here's is my ode to physics.

Currently lacking my own office with my own door I now digitally recreate the physicist's door.

I think we've all felt like this in the lab at one point or another:
Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My Ass

Annals of Improbable Research

The Physicists' Bill of Rights
We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations:

  • To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
  • To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it).
  • To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers.
  • To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" "unphysical."
  • To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, und andere schweinhund.
  • When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of above to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians.
  • To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway."
  • To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will not work.
  • To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.
  • To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
  • To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality.
  • To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs.
  • To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.

    These next two taken from The Onion
    MIT Physicists Split The Smithereen
    CAMBRIDGE, MA--A team of MIT physicists announced Monday that they have successfully split the smithereen, heretofore considered the smallest possible unit of matter. "For decades, conventional scientific wisdom held that the most to which you could blow something was smithereens," Dr. Jonathan Eng said. "It now appears that it is possible, under certain special laboratory conditions, to blow something to sub-smithereens." Eng said he believes the discovery will revolutionize humanity's potential for harnessing smithereenetic energy.

    New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once
    CAMBRIDGE, MA--On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing protocol which organizes phenomena along a four-dimensional axis, preventing everything from taking place at once. "No longer will the extinction of the dinosaurs, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and the Earth-Xabraxiq Pod Wars all collapse into a single point," theoretical physicist Dr. Lawrence Chang said. "With time, we can now contextualize each of the universe's infinite number of occurrences in its own spatial-temporal plane, creating order where there once was chaos." Added Dr. Erno Toffel: "Using time, one event can be positioned chronologically so as to be the cause of another. For example, a man's death may result in a gun being fired at him. Or the other way around. We're still working out some of the kinks."

    Theory vs. Practice
    Theory is when you know how it works but it still doesn't. Practice is when it works but you don't know why. In most departments, theory and practice are joined together: nothing works and no one knows why.

    Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?
    A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry. (example of a *BAD* physics joke)

    You hear this quite often:
    A Physicist is explaining a picture: "Of course, these are false colours, the red is really yellow, the green is really blue and the white is really brown."

    The cheating physicist
    There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.
    His story:
    "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."
    She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

    The difference between Mathematicians and Physicists
    A professor friend told me "A Physicist is someone who averages the first 3 terms of a divergent series"

    Physics Puns
    A neutron walks into a bar.
    He says, "Hey bartender... how 'bout a beer?"
    The bartender gives him a beer.
    The neutron says, "How much is it?"
    The bartender says, "For you - no charge."

    A helium nuclei bursts into a bar.
    Frantically, he proclaims, "Hey! Somebody just stole one of my electrons!!"
    The bartender says, "Are you sure?"
    The neutrino says, "Yeah - I'm positive!"

    A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

    What did the neutrino say to the earth: "just passing through"

    YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...

  • if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
  • if you enjoy pain.
  • if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
  • if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
  • if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
  • if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
  • if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
  • if you always do physics homework at bars on Friday nights.
  • if you use algebra to determine which coins you need at the laundromat.
  • if you will integrate for food.
  • if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
  • if you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
  • if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
  • if you can translate English into Binary.
  • if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
  • if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, to enter the lab.
  • if you are completely addicted to caffeine.
  • if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
  • if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
  • if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
  • if you'll assume that a horse is a sphere in order to make the math easier.
  • if you understood more than five of these indicators.
  • if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

    Top Ten Physics Pickup Lines(not that we ever get to use them):
    10)Do you really think I'm as sexy as Mr. Spock?
    9)I think the electricity between you and me is throwing off the experiment.
    8)I like your Maxwell's Equations t-shirt. I'd like it even better on my bedroom floor.
    7)I'll see what I can do about your grade. (TA's only)
    6)You know what they say about the size of man's calculator.
    5)I make excellent use of my hard drive.
    4)I hear the junior physics laboratory is gorgeous by moonlight.
    3)I always carry protection--You never know when a pen might leak.
    2)Hey baby, what's your sine?
    1)I don't need your number, I'll just finger you later.

    Success - A Mathematical Proof

    After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

    Here goes.

    So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

    Now, do a few simple substitutions:

    Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

    Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

    What this MEANS is that:

    Solving for Money, we get:

    From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

    What THIS MEANS is:

    Solving for Work, we get

    From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

    What THIS MEANS is:

    Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

    Cartoon Laws of Physics
    Cartoon Law I
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
    Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

    Cartoon Law II
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
    Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

    Cartoon Law III
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
    Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

    Cartoon Law IV
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
    Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

    Cartoon Law V
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
    Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

    Cartoon Law VI
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
    This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

    Cartoon Law VII
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
    This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

    Cartoon Law VIII
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
    Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
    Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

    Cartoon Law IX
    Everything falls faster than an anvil.

    Cartoon Law X
    For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

    Cartoon Law Amendment A
    A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

    Cartoon Law Amendment B
    The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

    Cartoon Law Amendment C
    Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

    Cartoon Law Amendment D
    Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

    Cartoon Law Amendment E
    Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).